What are some practical steps we can take to let go of anger and to forgive others?
Do you ever become angry? Do you ever grow so angry that you want to scream, punch someone, break something or retaliate in some way? Do you find it hard to let go of your anger? Do you have difficulty forgiving someone who has hurt you—so much difficulty that you never want to see the person again? Have you ever felt guilty because you realize you are holding onto hurt feelings and to anger? If these issues are real to you, you have plenty of company! As one prominent newsmagazine stated, we live in "A Mad, Mad World" where "rage of all kinds" is becoming commonplace, where increasing numbers of people are checking into anger-management workshops and seeking help controlling violent emotions.
Sadly, Christians are not exempt from the powerful and negative effects of anger. Anger damages relationships, and destroys both physical and mental health. However, Christians have access to potent tools to deal with emotions of anger, bitterness, resentment and hurt. The Bible indicates that Christians are called to be overcomers (Revelation 3:12) who learn to live a different way of life as lights to the world (Matthew 5:14–16).
Could you explain to someone how to forgive someone else? Could you show someone how to let go of deep-seated, long-standing anger? Have you learned to do this yourself? In this article, we will examine what it means to forgive, and how to deal effectively with anger. Scripture provides important keys and perspectives on the subject—perspectives supported by modern research.
Anger: A Dangerous Emotion
Some may wonder, "What is so bad about anger? Even God becomes angry," The simple answer is that you and I are not God, and anger in human beings can lead to dangerous and destructive consequences. Anger is a strong feeling or emotion resulting from disagreement, being hurt or mistreated, or seeing something unjust happen. Not all anger is bad, but there are many types of anger that Christians simply must not exhibit.
Indignation is righteous anger at something evil, unjust or shameful. Scripture shows that properly controlled righteous anger can be an appropriate response for a Christian (Ephesians 4:26). Wrath, however, is a deep indignation along with a desire to punish or get even. Wrath is dangerous for Christians. Rage is a violent outburst of emotion in which self-control is lost. When you become furious, you experience overwhelming rage of a frenzied nature—you basically "lose it." Wrath and rage are types of anger not only out of bounds for Christians, but outside the limits of decent civil behavior.
The Bible provides important lessons about anger and its dangerous consequences. In the Garden of Eden, God warned Cain that his anger could lead to problems (Genesis 4:4–7). Instead of learning to deal with his anger, Cain sulked and nursed his anger, until he finally vented his boiling emotion by killing his brother in an outburst of violence and hatred. Then, instead of acknowledging his sin and repenting when he had to face the consequences of his actions, Cain slid into a state of denial and self-pity. He made a series of choices that illustrate very ineffective ways of dealing with anger, and he suffered painful consequences.
We also read of Jacob's two sons, Simeon and Levi, who became very angry over an evil deed committed against their sister (Genesis 34). They hatched a plot of mass murder and plunder to get revenge. In spite of their father's displeasure over their actions, they felt totally justified (Genesis 34:31). However, the Bible records God's final verdict about the cruel fruits of their "self-justified" anger; they lost their inheritance (Genesis 49:5–7). Anger is a very dangerous emotion!
The Bible and Anger
Jesus Christ's life provides instructive examples of how to deal with anger. In the face of personal insults, Jesus did not respond in kind or retaliate (1 Peter 2:23). However, when He saw the Pharisees' callous indifference to human suffering, Jesus became righteously indignant and healed a person (Mark 3:1–5). Overturning the tables of the moneychangers in the temple was another act of controlled, righteous indignation on Jesus' part, directed at a disregard of the sanctity of God's house of worship (Mark 11:15–17). During His rigged trial, in the face of false accusations and cruel insults, Jesus showed no anger and made no attempt to justify Himself, nor did He attempt to retaliate (Matthew 2 6 : 5 9 – 6 3 ; 2 7 : 1 1 – 1 4 ) . J e s u s remained calm and self-controlled. He trusted and lived by the guidelines God inspired in Scripture.
Christians are called to follow Jesus Christ's example (1 Peter 2:21) and develop the very mind of God (Philippians 2:5–6). The Bible reveals that God is gracious [patient, forgiving] and slow to anger (Psalm 103:8). God wants us to be slow to anger (Proverbs 16:32). Learning to avoid angry responses helps to diffuse difficult situations, turn away wrath and avoid strife (Proverbs 15:1, 18; 17:14, 27). The Bible explains that only fools get into arguments and vent their angry emotions at others (Proverbs 18:6–7; 29:20; Ecclesiastes 7:9). Discretion—developing wisdom and discernment—is the key to becoming slow to anger (Proverbs 19:11). This vital quality helps us deal more effectively with others' thoughtless (or even malicious) actions. It also helps us develop patience and self-control in difficult situations.
Jesus studied the Scriptures from childhood (Luke 2:41–47). It is no surprise that His teachings reflect biblical guidelines. Jesus said, "Blessed are the merciful... [and] the peacemakers" (Matthew 5:7–9). These are individuals who have learned how to avoid or overcome strife by controlling their human tendencies to become wrathful. Jesus taught that harboring hatred and giving in to name-calling is the spiritual equivalent of murder (Matthew 5:21–22). Christ admonished His followers to strive to settle differences quickly and avoid drawn-out disagreements that only foster hatred and bitterness (Matthew 5:23–25). He taught that Christians should not retaliate, but should "do good" to those who treat them badly (Matthew 5:38–44). As Christians, we should maintain the perspective that God will ultimately take care of any injustices we may see (Romans 12:17–21). Our challenge as Christians is to "live peaceably" with everyone we meet.
God promises us the gift of the Holy Spirit upon repentance and baptism (Acts 2:38). As we learn to use this powerful gift, we can become more patient, kind, gentle and self-controlled (Galatians 5:22–23). If we do not use—or fail to nourish and exercise—the Holy Spirit, we will be prone to exhibit the normal human traits of "hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions" that characterize most angry exchanges between people (Galatians 5:19–20).
Some mistakenly assume that the scripture "Be angry and do not sin" (Ephesians 4:26) allows for all kinds of anger. Better translated, the verse implies "if you become angry, beware lest you sin" (see The New Testament from 26 Translations). The Apostle Paul warns, in the context of this scripture, that anger can give Satan a foothold in our lives and can grieve [limit the action of] the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 4:27–30). Anger, uncontrolled and of the wrong type, can hinder us from growing toward our goal—developing the mind of God. To have God's mind we must think calmly and clearly, and be slow to anger. Our Christian behavior must be guided by biblical principles, not driven by angry feelings and emotions.
And there is another important key to defusing anger.
Forgiveness: A Forgotten Key
The Bible speaks at length about forgiveness, a quality often overlooked in our modern, emotion-driven society. Scripture reveals that we worship and strive to emulate a forgiving God. Forgiveness is part of His nature (Psalm 86:5; 103:3).
Jesus emphasized that God is willing to forgive our sins. However, He also taught that unless we forgive others, we will not be forgiven (Matthew 6:12–15). Christians must learn to forgive from the heart—completely, and without any strings attached (Matthew 18:21–35). The Apostle Paul warned that if we are unwilling or unable to forgive, Satan can gain a foothold in our lives to wreak havoc with our relationships and damage our physical, mental and spiritual health (2 Corinthians 2:6–11). We are asking for trouble if we fail to understand the importance of forgiveness!
The Apostle John wrote that God will forgive us when we acknowledge our part in problems (1 John 1:9–10). To do this, we must rid ourselves of self-justifying anger that blinds us to our own faults. John warned that if we harbor hatred and bitterness against our brothers and sisters, we deceive ourselves and are not acting as Christians (1 John 2:9–11). As Christians, we must be loving, patient, understanding and forgiving. We must be willing to "lay down our lives" for others—willing to put aside our own angry emotions in order to bring peace (1 John 3:16–23). Truly, forgiveness is a vital aspect of loving one another!
To Forgive Is Divine
Daniel wrote, "To the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness" (Daniel 9:9). This may be the source of the popular phrase that "to err is human, to forgive is divine." Does this mean that only God can forgive, and that human beings cannot be expected to do so? No! The Bible clearly teaches that we must learn to forgive.
In order to forgive, we must first understand what it means to forgive. We do not learn forgiveness off in a corner by ourselves. We learn forgiveness through relationships. We learn forgiveness through practice. When we forgive, we discover a sense of calm and relief that dampens the desire to lash out and retaliate against others. We overcome the mental turbulence that unforgiven hurt can create.
When Cain was hurt, he had to choose his response. So must we. When we are hurt or offended, we can choose to retaliate, becoming defensive and erecting barriers of self-protection. We can avoid or ignore the one who has offended us. We can gossip about that person's faults, and seek the company of those who will agree that we have been wronged. We can tell ourselves how "bad" the other person is, and can replay those thoughts endlessly in our minds, reinforcing our anger and hurt.
Or we can choose to forgive. Forgiveness may not be easy; it can take courage, conviction, compassion and commitment. How do we forgive? Forgiveness has two parts: letting go of anger, and striving to rebuild relationships.
Many people think they have "forgiven" simply by deciding not to retaliate. They never actually let go of their underlying anger, and they continue to avoid the offending person, making no effort to restore the relationship. Of course, this is not real forgiveness. Forgiveness requires that we overcome not only the desire to retaliate, but also the desire to avoid relating to the other person. We must be willing to rebuild the relationship, which means being willing to talk things over, cooperate with, and speak well of the other person. Real forgiveness can be difficult, because it requires us to change our self-image and our image of the one who has offended us. Real forgiveness "requires a fundamental change of heart—a turning from old ways... If we are to learn to forgive, most of us must repent of the strategies that we use to cope with our hurts and our insistence on obtaining revenge" (To Forgive Is Human, McCullough, Sandage & Washington, pp. 75–76). To forgive from the heart requires a real change of heart. This change of heart is a hallmark of Christian conversion.
Learning to forgive also requires that we grow in our moral reasoning ability (see box, "Moral Reasoning Levels"). The Apostle Paul wrote, "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things" (1 Corinthians 13:11). As Christians, we are admonished to grow in our knowledge of how God wants us to act (2 Peter 3:18). Forgiveness not only involves recognizing and overcoming our own tendencies to retaliate in anger, but also involves learning how to promote positive relationships with those who have hurt us. This may be a challenge, but it is easier than you might think. Knowledge of what it really means to forgive is important. Following biblical guidelines and asking God for the help of His Spirit are also vital steps to take.
But how can you get rid of chronic anger?
Dealing with Anger
Anger is a powerful emotion that involves the mind and body—and habits we have acquired over a lifetime. Overcoming anger requires us to take steps to rearrange our thinking. We must learn to identify situations and perceptions that generate anger in us. We must learn new skills and habits that reduce anger (see box, "Dealing with Anger"). To deal effectively with chronic anger, and let go of hurt feelings, we must change how we perceive offenses—and how we react to them. One key is learning to empathize. Try to understand where the other person is coming from, and why he or she might have said or done something that hurt you.
Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Instead of jumping to conclusions and making accusations, try to understand what was said or done. Maybe the other person had no evil or ulterior motives at all. Maybe you have over-reacted, and have assigned blame wrongly.
If we learn to act and think in this manner, we will often find that our anger is unwarranted, and we will remain more calm and more willing to let go of anger. If we can empathize, we can more easily forgive.
Steps to Managing Anger
Analyze what makes you angry and how you handle it. Look for better ways to handle situations that provoke you to anger. Find good role models. Living Church News July–August 2006 Focus on dealing with the situation, not on accusing or avoiding the other person.
We generate and maintain anger by statements we make to others, and to ourselves, about our problems. We can learn to control our anger by reinterpreting the supposed provocation— "I'm sure he didn't mean to be hurtful," or "She must have had a bad day." People who are slow to anger learn to empathize with others, thus reducing the feeling of being attacked, and avoiding the onset of anger. This approach puts you in control of situations, instead of feeling that you must react.
Use positive "self-talk." Instead of telling yourself why you should become or remain angry, tell yourself, "Stay cool; being angry will not help this situation." Remain focused on the issue, not on the other person's presumed faults. Avoid using inflammatory words that add to your anger and irritate others.
Also, try to look for humor in difficult situations. Humor is calming. It defuses tense situations and is often a good sign of reconciliation.
The next time you feel offended, think about your own need to be forgiven. This should motivate you to be forgiving. Make a real effort to empathize with the person who has offended you, and try to understand where he or she may be coming from. Remember that forgiveness requires you to let go of anger, and to be willing to promote a healed relationship.
This article is not intended to advocate a "lift yourself up by your own bootstraps" approach to solving all your problems. However, the Bible contains sound principles, as mentioned above, that can help you deal with feelings of anger which are destructive to relationships and debilitating to health. You can learn practical skills that will make forgiveness much easier.
We each choose how to react to offenses. When we learn to forgive, we are making a conscious choice to honor and obey God by letting go of angry emotions that aggravate, but do not solve, our problems.
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Moral Reasoning Levels
1. Revengeful forgiveness—only if offender is punished and experiences pain
2. Restitutional forgiveness—only if guilt is admitted and apologies are made
3. Expectational forgiveness—forgiving in response to social pressure
4. Lawful forgiveness—forgiving due to moral or religious pressure
5. Social forgiveness—forgiving to gain social harmony and restore relationships
6. Forgiveness as love—forgiving is unconditional, no preconditions or expectations (see To Forgive Is Human, pp. 44–47)
Christians will grow toward higher levels in their moral reasoning ability.
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Dealing with Anger Anger-Arousing Perceptions vs Anger-Reducing Perceptions
Injustice: "it is not fair" vs "Bad things often happen"
Blaming: "it is your fault" vs "What part do I play in the problem?"
"You are not treating me right" vs "Maybe they see things differently"
"I deserve better than this" vs "How can I be an example?"
Shattered expectations vs Empathy for other people
Shattered belief in a just world vs Humor—learn to laugh at difficulties
Anger-Intensifying Habits: vs Cooling-Off Habits:
Yelling, sulking, pouting vs Count to 10, sleep on it, exercise
Plotting revenge, arguing vs Do not yell, sulk, pout, or argue
Accusations ("you never…") vs Go see a movie, take a walk
Focus on positive aspects of others (see Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion, Travis 1989, p. 289)
Christians grow and replace anger-arousing behaviors with behaviors and habits that reduce or eliminate angry emotional reactions. This requires us to change how we think and perceive.